finger pointing

just an update - i'm back in california, flew in the afternoon of 12/12. Looks like a bunch of winter storms back east, can't say I didn't love a good snow day - hopefully it's not messing anyone up too badly, I'm sure some of you teacher folk are all giddy, waiting for that 5am phone call so you can feel like an awesome person not having to go to work. God bless you all. it's nice here, like 65 during the day, colder at night. my plans for the place in newport are crumbling, not worried though - i'm sort of realizing that i don't want to live there anyway, that i'd prefer saving some money living further inland . . . say on a golf course maybe? I could get used to that, absolutely... I love the water, have lived by it all my life, but I'm sure I could adjust to a lake. anyway, you guys really don't care where I live, let's be honest.

So if anyone pays attention to the news like I do - or even much less which would be more than the average person - you probably have read, listened to, or watched some article or reporter about major league baseball's current social predicament. If not, I'll make an attempt to paraphrase it all for you in a short bit.


The MLB is a business. And the CEO of the MLB is called the Commissioner. Teams are often referred to as a franchise - which they should be, because just like an individual can pay corporate McDonald's to open up their own restaurant, individuals can pay the MLB to operate their own ball club. As with any major orginized business, there are several different factions that each have their own interest within the 'company'. Obviously, there are the workers, or players in this case who, with baseball don't necessarily create a tangible product to sell to consumers. they do sell something wonderful, an exceptional physical talent, an atmosphere of competition, and a certain celebrity appeal that consumers - or fans - pay money for tickets to view these athletes. Fine, got it. Secondly there is say the managers, who manage the players - they answer to the General Manager - he answers mainly to the team owner(s) - who don't really answer, but communicate with the League Office - or the MLB headquarters. Just like any other business, team owners want to increase player value, cut costs, increase revenue - basically do everything they can to have cakes and eat them too. That's understandable, fine - nobody wants to own a business that loses money. Team owners also consider their players as assets, which they are - Derek Jeter is worth more then say another player for several reasons. He performs on the field, basically he's a great ball player. People love him, he sells jerseys, puts butts in seats, and makes the time that the yankees are on tv more valuable - hence, advertising $$$$/rates go up! So it's in every owner's interest that these player perform, and perform well - and the player, well he needs to perform because that is his livlihood. He swings a bat and throws a ball well for money, serious money - like 305,000,000.00 for ten years... figure 160 games/year and this guy is making some seriously serious money. With that obviously comes very high pressures to perform.

I have to run, i can't finish this now - but I will, i want time to gather my thoughts here before I go rattling on as usual in no coherent manner. It's going to be good though, I promise you, because I can't stand people that point fingers and pass judgement - so I'm going to highlight all the shortcomings of everyone who felt the need to put these ball players in the spotlight.

Like the wise Eric Welsh once said, for ever finger you point at me, 3 point back at you . . .

Not if I'm Count Rugen, because then I would have eleven fingers, and ultimately meet my demise at the hands of Inigo Montoya.

I know that you knew that I knew that you know...

I just deleted seven hundred plus words because even I didn't understand what the hell I was trying to say. I'm going to start over and stay focused on a direct approach to my point here. Let me preface this post with a few notes. Foremost, I think my topic, if I had to label my report here, would be, "First Impressions, Adam in Retrospective Analysis". Now that sounds really dorky, but it's not - basically I'm going to try and analyze myself from someone else's perspective. Which, vaguely admitting that I have multiple personalities, should be easy to do. I once dated a girl that referred to me as Adam, #'s 1-10 - I'm not sure why she did this, because quite frankly we all had diffrent middle names, if she even cared to ask...

I basically like everyone - everyone starts with an 'A' in my book and the only way you lower your grade is by doing something that really offends me, and your grade rarely if ever goes up - my logic is based on a few fundamental ideas. One being that if you offend me enough to get to a C-, that you are a habitual offender and even if you do redeem yourself, you have proven already that you will experience a recrudescence of your offending persona. Two, I have high standards - and while I won't point at you and say, 'you don't meet the minimum requirements for being an associate of mine' I don't have any qualms with being an active avoider. Did I change my phone number and you didn't get it . . .well let me think. . . Get the point? That specific incident does not apply to everyone, I want to make that clear. I feel like this blog entry is borderline egocentric - but truthfully I'm writing this more for myself then anyone else, so yeah - it is, very much so egocentric.

So, what was the catalyst of me writing this - what was the causative event in my life that made me want to really write about something that is fairly personal. Well, I have written about things that are personal to me - my drinking, my gambling, but they are not really a big deal - they never got to a point where I wasn't in the driver's seat, I could always stop those vehicles of destruction whenever I wanted. I've throttled them back to what the government standards would define as 'moderated usage', at this point, and as I physically age - I just don't want to give half of my day to the previous night because I feel like ish.



So back to the motif here. Modus vivendi, it means 'way of life', and recently I've hit what I'd most easily describe as a HUGE FUCKING ROCK, in advancing personal relationships and I'm wondering if my modus vivendi is . . .well, broken. I think in our minds we all form a self image which is slightly to very oblique. I mean that we are inclined to buff our self image in our minds to a smooth, blemish free shine. That's human nature, who wants to concentrate on their personal flaws? So we just pretend they don't exist. There is an alternative obviously - and the quickest way to find the best answer to a problem is to go straight to the top of the list of things you really don't want to do and execute #1. Whatever is the exhaustive, tedious, trite method - well it's usually going to get the job done. Your fat, go to the gym - you're broke, get another job - you can't spell, memorize the dictionary. My point is evident. Using that logic, I give off the wrong impression of myself - or maybe not. I just feel like, based on other folks reactions that I'm not getting the results I would expect from who I consider myself to be. So I'm going to make a list of possible flaws - and to be honest, I'd like people to add to my list. I'll post every single comment, even if they are anonymous, and I assure you that there is no way I can discover who wrote what. I want to know what pops up first in your mind, the first thing - and just say it. Will I be offended, yeah, sort of - more likely to be embarassed... but at this point I'm sort of in the 'who cares' mode, and I have to be honest - reading what other people don't like about me will have some entertainment value. Just be careful, because while I'm putting this list up for everyone to see - I think it would be good for everyone to sit down and compile a list of their own. My intent is to adopt this list into my life and be conscience that my estimate of offensiveness might be lower than yours. I'm just bothered lately. Before you go off getting all personal and insulting me, just remember that life, I believe, is a zero sum situation. Anything you have, was somehow acquired from somebody else - we don't create, we just reappropriate what we have acquired from one person to the next. How is my zero sum theory relative to the former words here, well I guess I'm starting to predict what people are going to suggest - and before you judge me remember that anything that I have acquired in this life was taken from somebody else - and in that taking, a moral tax has accumulated on my conscience, which sits on my shoulders like an 800Lb gorilla. No free meals, action/reaction, everyone pays to cross the bridge, even, if not especially myself. So am I going to start a list, no, I changed my mind - I don't want to spur your imaginations and feed off of whats already in my crazy mind.



And for the record, if you plan on putting up that I over exagerrate my stories - don't, most of the time I edit them to bring them down to some level of believabiltiy. Because if I'm the guy that can walk into Lorenzo's ( http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=4919129&BRD=1697&PAG=461&dept_id=44551&rfi=6 ) in the wee hours of the night, slap Joe Santiago ( http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F01E3DC1E3DF933A15753C1A9649C8B63&n=Top/Reference/Times%20Topics/People/S/Santiago,%20Joseph%20J) on the back and say, 'what's up buddy' .... well you better sure as shit believe that I don't need to lie to you.



So thanks, and if you're wondering if there is a specific incident or person that I'd direct this entire post at - if there is somebody that I would like to be happier with, or I'm not quite sure how things got to where they are . . .well there is, and that person is me. You, well thankyou for being honest, and now I'm going to listen to one of my favorite pop classics.... again. Michael jackson's 'Man in the Mirror'



I hope you all realize that I'm not being serious here... sort of, but I want to make more of a point that we should all be a little more conscience of our surroundings - and while you may think that the way you act or what you say is relatively harmless, it's not always the case. Just make sure your mouth stays connected to your brain, and this world will be a better place, and that goes for him also.



Goodnight Adam.

Goodnight to you too.



Ps - I feel like Doogie Howser, MD - right now, when he types at the end of the episode, yeah you know.

my thoughts on the holiday season so far.

I haven't been home long, but long eneough to realize that this time of the year between Thanksgiving and New Years has the potential to be the most stressful of the year. (the following are facts, aka things i've heard or think i've heard) The obvious things come to mind, first being money - I mean what's Jesus' birthday celebration if you don't have the cash to buy things for people because you or they were born into the same family? Considering the average income for an adult, 25+, is 32k/year - and the average monthly expenses, now this I'm going to wing a little bit - but figure 1850 for rent/mortgage, 200 utilities, 325 car(s), 200 loans/credit cards, 300/month for personal. That's what, 2900/month? For the average household of two I'm saying.... 29x12 = 34,800..... so that leaves us with 31,200. Now I based that on a two person house, under realistic circumstances. 30% of married couples don't have kids, 70% do - so figure 70% the families under those conditions, with the additional expense of children, and you just want to jump out the fucking window. I don't know what to contribute this to. I def. think that there is a social thing happening here, a peer pressure thing to try and impress your siblings and/or family with how thoughtful you are...... well how thoughtful for when? One day? What about the other 364 days 5 hours and 28 minutes it takes for the earth to orbit the sun? I just dont see it, and to be honest, I will admit that I have flat out not bought presents for people because even though I was supposed to under the social standards we inherited from our parents, I didn't. Do I feel badly, no, I don't because I would rather they kept their money and been happier then spend it on SOMETHING THAT THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT LIKE! Apparently my message was clear because my family decided that nobody is getting anyone presents this year except for the kids - or kid, if you group me in with that then it's me and my neice Skyla, who is 3.

I just don't get it.

I turned the TV off today, because just like when the first winter storm hits and you have some fuckface reporter standing on the corner of an icy intersection explaining to us that 'This is ice slippery folks, see this, I'm going to stand here and slide on this ice - --and it's clear, so you can't see it, focus in on this ice here Stan, see folks, it's clear ice that is slippery and dangerous' . . . . .you know the story, and all they are hoping for is that somebody t-bones somebody else on live TV - when the reason the accident happened was probably because they were watching the news crew. So we have this loser moron that shot 20 people or whatever, and killed 9 in Nebraska. What in this world is so horrible that you needed to do that? Because your girlfriend dumped you? People go through heart wrenching ordeals every day, and when you look ahead, you realize that most everyone gets over it and the next person they meet they can't understand how they ever lived without them.... Now for the rest of the people that had family members, friends, loved ones involved with this, they will forever associate christmas and the holidays with their death. I'm not a very religious person, but I would start to believe more in God if it meant that you were having your eyes eaten by crows every day over and over again in hell. I just don't want to see it anymore, about the stresses and ills associated with the holidays - what ever happened to being happy to spend time with your friends and family? Do you need to provide them with a gift wrapped in nifty paper to say I love you? I don't think so. Maybe I underestimate the complacency other people have towards spending time with their families. I know I don't, I don't get to spend much time with them anymore and even though my mother berates me for refusing to sleep in a bed, and my dad is always inquiring about if I'm paying my taxes, I still feel like I'm at home. For as much as I despise airports, for as many times as I vomit in the airport before I get on a plane, for as many pills as I take to not realize I'm on a plane - I still do it because I realize that one day that won't be possible, there is no plane that can take you to see dead people. So have I changed, have I realized a few things - yeah, I have. I realized that whenever I get the chance to see somebody I care about, have cared about but don't see much, or even somebody who just passed through my life briefly -I take the time to let them know I'm thankful, not by presenting them with a gift, but just by spending time with them. Sometimes less is more when it comes to spending time, but nontheless, you will remember the time an old friend stopped in for a few beers years after you have already forgotten that gift. Now maybe I'm just getting all emotional here, and maybe I'm wrong. I know it feels good to get a gift, it really does - for a birthday, a wedding, or just out of the blue, it feels great. but there is and always will be that grey pressure around us wondering if we got the right gift - I'll just be happy to be in the same room =)

And if I do get you a gift this year, it's probably because you didn't get me one and I want you to feel awkward. Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wasn't really sure...

if people still read this. I don't know if anyone does, but reading back on what I have written so far, it seems like a good idea to me (and a few other people) that I keep on writing. I think it's great when people make references to my blog when I talk to them. I'm never quite sure what people find interesting, be it me cascading down the Red Rocks on my ass or the horse shit making me regurgitate the tiny crustaceans in New Orleans. I can say that my genes have endowed me with a tremendous memory, so for me it's kind of neat to be able to relive almost every moment - could I write about them all, yeah, probably - but let's be honest, I don't want to know what the hell you guys do every minute of your lives and you don't want to know what I do. Like right now, I have a tremendous pressure in my head - I don't know if it's from the ... Hold on, let me take a step back........

I was awoken this morning by the vibrant voice of Millie, my mother, screaching at my father. I didn't quite catch the basis of the 'conversation' because I was still basially asleep - last night I slept with my headphones in, I have the shure brand noise cancelling headphones (ravens just intercepted brady and then lost it back to NE, fuckers, I hate the PATS - cheaters) so anyway, I wake up, not realizing I have headphones in my ears, so I think I'm deaf now until I realize I fell asleep watching A Clockwork Orange on my computer.. blah blah.. anyway, the short story.
My mom wanted me and my dad to carry down dozens of boxes containing Christmas ornaments from the attic - so needless to say, aside from being alergic to the goose feathers in the pillows on the couch I'm sleeping on (yes there is a bed available, but that would feel more like I'm moving back home, I don't need the permanence of a bed, I prefer a couch) or the dust on the boxes, but I've been sneezing like a bastard with itchy eyes, and not to mention the wonders of the whisteling nose - nothing to me is more obnoxious then a whistling nose or a people that chew with their mouth open, i hate that shit. So now that I was guilty of having a musical instrument attatched to the front of my face i needed to get out of the house for some fresh air. all was fine out on the road, but now I'm back on the couch and my nose tingles with fresh boogies, my eyes are puffy and I'm sneezing (which of course has nothing to do with allergies, it's because I travelled ten feet from the garage to my vehicle without a jaccket on . .according to my mom)

So here is my solution, I have next to me a fresh bottle of 'Original Formula' Nyquil, of the 6oz variety, and I'm going to drink the entire thing, in one chug, and see how long I can stay awake!

My computer says it's 7:09 right now, but I think it's stuck in pacific time mode, so it's actually 1009, we'll say ten o'clock... here I go.. before I drink it I'm going to throw out an early estimate of 3 hours. I haven't eaten much today, so that might affect me, but I did just chug almost half a gallon of milk - I don't know what that means, but somehow it will make a difference. Ok, here we go .. . .

WOW, that was officially disgusting - and now that I feel like a junkie.... Anyway, initially it tasted like licquorice, now all I have left is this tingy tasting acidic feeling in the back of my throat, it's almost like something I have tasted before, but it's not - now my stomach is saying what the fuck did you just put into me? and I'm going to tell it, I'm going to look at the back of thebottle now and see what I just did.
Ok, so 6 ounces is 177ml and in each 177ml serving of Nyquil you get 500mg of acetominophen (advil) Dextro...(cough suppresant) and 6.25mg of some long worded antihistimine - so I took roughly 10x that so I shouldn't be coughing or sneezing or doing much of anything for sometime.

I just want everyone to know that the recommended dosages on these labels are for small children and the adult dosage is for small people. So being almost 300 pounds I feel as if I'm qualified to take more. and i did do some calculations and I figure that I'll be ok. I haven't had anything to drink today so my liver should be good on that and as allergic as I am to everything in this house right now I think that I took the equivalent of six benydryl. I'll be fine, so nobody needs to worry. To be honest I feel better then I have all day right now and it's only been ten minutes. I don't know why anyone would want to read this, I think this will sereve as a reference for myself in the future.

Do you think that this is what they call 'sippin on some sizzurp'? am i going to see shit like lil wayne does in the club? I'm pretty sure that on any one of my benders I have consumed more alcohol then is in this six ounce bottle, and the next morning I have dumped the advi container in my mouth, so this can't be any worse & the ony thing that I have seen when I do that are ugly chicks that look hot - I don't know if it's my vision is going when I drink, or my standards get lower, or I just get more adventurous and think 'well I wonder what it would be if I did that!'

oh well, that may have or may not have crossed a line ( that last sentence) and I'm not a huge line crossing fan, but we'll see how this works out.

I do want to say that I miss California already, I've said it before that everyone ends up somehwere for some reason, and I think that I belong there. TOUCHDOWN BALTIMORE!!!!!! it's 1023 now, so yeah, I 'm reading some of my typos now and I'm going to leave them in there for scientific reference. But I really love being back here, I miss my family whenever I leave and my older brother is having a baby any day now, literally any minute I feel like and my other older brother gets depressed when I go away. we have sort of a bond that transcends verbal communication, i swear we can communicate via other methods. i remember once that we just sort of nodded at each other for about five minutes and totally communicated about something. I cant remember but whatever who cares i don't.

i want to confess that nothing i really ever do is not planned, i might give off the impression that i sort of just wing shit, but that is very far from the truth - one thing I didn't intend on was find the perfect place to live in Newport Beach and then having to wait a few weeks for it to be ready. I don't know why I expect everything to work overnight, especially when moving into a new place, but I hate waiting for anything. So i decided to fly home and it's working out fine. My hearing is going... this might be the first side effect - I don't know if the commercials are getting quieter or my hearing is going bad, something weird is happeneing... anyway, it's been fun so far - I drove out to see Chewy and Poacher when I got back, my parents were in europe so I had there place to myself for a couple of night so i called all of my friends the second night and had a big party - so all three of us partied it up. Just kidding, Chew and Poach and the whole Harrisburg crew are so laid back and fun that I love going out there. I have to say though that I haven't laughed it up as hard as I have then when the entire lambertville crew went to ota-ya and then out where I proceeded to NOT FIGHT some douche face named Petey, who coincedentally ended up getting tossed by some guy later that night so I hear, glad it wasn't me. I've looked online to see why people get such a different drunk off sake then say vodka, and sort of how champagne and tequila fall into that same category . . . i can't find anything, I know, from being in the business that chemically all alcohol is the same, so who knows - it's probably all in our heads, well I'm sure it is - but you know what I mean. Man, I'm fading hard - getting tired, but I just checked my pulse rate and I'm fine so it's not like I'm going under. I wouldn't have drank the whole bottle mind you if I honestly thought it was bad - believe me, those five vodka martinis some of you probably put back on a regular basis are so much worse.

I am fading hard, getting very tired.

I can't say eneough how it feels like I've been gone for years - trying to readjust to the time pace of being back at a home is awkward. Living at a fast pace for the past year and now being all lazy laying around all day, well I hate it. So who knows what I'm going to be getting into the next few days.

I wanted to give you guys some fill ins - some stories that I either left out or neglected to put in, or purposely did not say antyhing about. The first would be the guy that took his shirt off for me at the graveyard in Anteitam. I don't quite get it, at all - why anyone would feel the need to take their shirt off in cooler weather with just three guys standing around in a historic graveyard of a battlefield. I'm not impressed by his display of manliness. I actually wanted him to fall down and look really stupid. I don't know what it is... but I like women, call me nuts.

I am so tired right now, it's been what like 20 minutes, I can fight this off no problem.

One of the things that I was upset about the first week or so of my move was the fact that it rained, rained hard up through asheville, nc. I wanted to spend more time outside, but seriously, I'm not camping in shitty rainy muddy weather. I had eneough trouble finding hotels that I could do my laundry at that I didn't want to have to deal with being all muddy and dirty all the time. Not that I care personally, but it just sucks getting your clothes all dirty when you know you have to wear your jeans like five times before you'll get a chance to wash them.

I'm going to bed. I'll finish this later.